2 steps forward, one step back

Eli's birthday celebration has lasted far too long.  The day of his party was chocolate and chocolate chipcookie dough cupcakes. Then had his extended family party last night with monster cupcakes made by yours truly.

Cupcakes, be damned!!!  

Although they were pretty cute. 

Back to the real world, tomorrow. 

No weigh in today. This week has been brutal. Will be better next week. 

saggy butt

It is beautiful outside and I needed to drag out my summer clothes. I put on a pair of capris and HOLY MOLY....they were saggy saggy saggy.  My butt has shrunk a ton since last summer. YAY!!  I really need to get some new summer capris/pants/whatever but don't want to spend the money yet. So if you see me, pay no attention to the saggybutt.

carb binge

I lasted 7 days without caving and having a total carb binge. It happened yesterday. We took no bake cookies to our homeschool co-op to celebrate Eli's birthday. I didn't have one then, showing off my amazing will power. We hit up Taco Bell/KFC for lunch. I ate my tacos and had a cookie. 20 minutes later I had another cookie. Some Lay's Classic potato chips. Then another cookie. Then a giant bowl of Corn Pops. I was stuffed to the gills and feeling extremely guilty.

 I rectified the situation by not indulging in all the snacks at our small group that night despite the fact that there were chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, spanakopita, muffins, candy, chips and spinach dip. It was a veritable carb fest waiting to be devoured. I had a cup of coffee instead. I was proud of myself.

Got on the scale this morning and I didn't gain a single ounce. YES!!

weigh in

I changed my weigh in days to Friday. Because I can. 

Current weight: 215.6

Total lost: 12.2

Mini-goal: 199

Yes, I went low carb (not no carb) and I lost 7 pounds in a week. Woohoo! Eli's birthday is tomorrow and there will be lots of celebrating the next few days so I may gain a bit but I know now how to lose it efficiently.  I have been reading up on being carbohydrate sensitive and I am off the charts with all the quizzes they give you. I am a carb addict. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Right?

hope I am not jinxing myself

I am rockin' it!

late night madness

Dinner has been over for 3 and a half hours. I am watching TV, lounging on the couch. I want to munch...on anything. Chips and dip. Ice Cream. Cereal. Carrot Cake that a friend sent home for Chad. It is almost a Pavlovian response to watching TV...snacking. 

I have always been a late night snacker. I would eat what some would consider a whole other meal between the hours of 9 and 11 PM. If I was a hobbit, it might be called "second dinner." 

Last night I was craving cereal SO badly. Like wanting to chew on my own arm craving. So I had Chad make me some hot tea. I picked Morrocan Pomegranate as my tea of choice and it was EXACTLY what I needed to thwart the late night snacking beast. 

I am drinking a cup of it right now to stave off the carrot cake craving that has hit me upside the head. I will overcome!!!! 

is this even possible?

I decided last week that I was going to really buckle down on this weight loss endeavor. I pretty much took the month of March off. EEEEK! So with a new start date in mind I ate like a crazy pig. Fast food multiple times, a bag of Reese's peanut butter eggs (yes, the whole bag), half a loaf of ciabatta bread toasted with tons of butter dripping through the holes. It was ridiculous! But that is how I roll. Not that I am proud of that little tid bit, but whatever.

April 1st I woke up and weighed myself. 222.6. I decided to do a low carb thing for the first few weeks. I am making up my own plan...because I am a nutritionist and I know all about how my insides work. Or not. It is more like common sense and gleaming tid bits from every diet book I have ever read. Weight Watchers is a good program but I find myself obsessing about points and always thinking about food. Not good. So I scrapped WW.

I jumped on the scale this morning....4 days later and I am down to 218. WHAT?!!? Seriously. I am not starving myself. I eat when I am hungry. Stop when I am satisfied. I even had dessert last night (a delicious concoction that Chad made with baked apples, brown sugar, butter, cream, cinnamon.) I had pizza on Saturday night. But I am not eating nearly as many carbs as before. No giant bowl of cereal in the morning. 2 eggs and some fruit and a cup of coffee. Veggies or salad for lunch. Steamed veggies with a little butter and parmesan is so yummy. Or my salad with gorgonzola and pecans. Delicious. Then a healthy portion of what we have for dinner with the family. And by healthy I mean healthy, not huge. Like when people make comments about your chubby baby by saying how healthy he is. So lame.

It is working for me now. Will it work long term? I have no idea. I am just getting through one day at a time. One meal at a time.  I need to work on my water consumption. I need to add in a workout of some sort, either elliptical or walking outside now that the weather is getting warmer.

Current weight: 218.5
Total weight lost: 9.3
Mini-goal: 199

a fresh start

I am a slacker.

I am starting over starting April 1st, tomorrow.

A friend is doing it with me.

Chad asked, "Are you doing it for real this time?"

I wanted to punch him. Then I cried.

weigh in

I feel like the tortoise in the story of the tortoise and the hare. I totally admit that I am not taking this very seriously. I could be doing so much better. But I am okay with my progress for now. Will I reach my goal before our Florida vacation? Probably not. And I am okay with that.

Current weight: 220.8
Starting weight: 227.something (I can't remember and don't want to look it up.)
Mini-goal: 199

dieting sucks and I suck at it

I admit it...I am a self sabotager. It seems I do much better in "making healthier choices" when I do it quietly, with little fanfare. It is like I put this pressure on myself to perform well for other people when really I need to do this for myself. So when I don't talk about it a lot or don't over analyze things then I am pretty consistent with my healthier eating choices and exercise. When I talk about it all the time and think about it all day, that is when I cave and crumble and eat donuts, Girl Scout cookies, and maple nut ice cream and don't step on the elliptical for 2 weeks.

At the same time I need some sort of accountability. I love having cheerleaders. I love having Chad tell me he is proud of me for rockin' out on the elliptical. I want to quietly go about my business but I love when people tell me I am doing a good job. How do you accomplish that balance? I don't know.

I have been a total slacker for the last...oh...three weeks....like no dieting, no exercising...just living my life in this food induced fog. I feel like crap when I eat crap but that doesn't stop me from indulging in the garbage. I don't sleep very well. I feel guilty. I get mad at myself. I pig out to cover up those feelings. I am an addict. I am addicted to food.  Yay me.

weigh in

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

I need to kick it in high gear. I want to be at my mini-goal by the the time we get to Florida. I have about 2 months to get that done. No more slackin' off for rme.


Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 221.6
Mini-goal: 199

munchies

Why do I want to eat everything in sight when it is "that time of the month?" I have a major case of the M-U-N-C-H-I-E-S!!!

helpful? and weigh in

I have the flu (self diagnosed). Not the respiratory flu. Or the vomit flu. The other end flu. I am hoping it will be helpful in shedding some pounds this week.

Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 222.6 (down from last week and this past week was as non-diety as you can get)
Mini-goal: 199

extra motivation

This week has sucked. I am afraid to get on the scale on Monday. I might skip it just to save myself the anguish.
Thankfully, I have some very exciting events coming up that is motivating me to get back in the game (i secretly can't stand sports metaphors but don't know how else to say it.)

We are going to Florida in the next several weeks. You can read all about it here, on my other blog.  I need to kick my ass in gear. Yes, my ass. I need to make it smaller. Much smaller. I have some pretty cute sundresses to wear and I want to feel good about myself. I can DO it!!!

weigh in

Starting weight:227.8
Current weight: 223.2
Mini-goal: 199

struggling

I am struggling. I am frustrated. I am obsessing about chocolate cake. (I won't tell you about last night and Chad taking the leftover Valentine chocolate cake from my death grip and telling me "No." I walked out of the kitchen sans cake and cried. It was not my brightest moment.)  I am craving sugar. I feel like I am going through withdrawal. I am feeling deprived, but I know I am not. It is all a mental game at this point, and I feel like I am weakening.

Plus I feel the tingle of a cold sore coming on and it is making me mad.

I think I am going to join Weight Watchers online again. I am hoping it saves me some brain power by taking all the guess work away from the food aspect of this torture. Anything to make this more manageable, right?

edited to add 4 hours after initial post: I joined weightwatchers.com and then I ate the cake.

fear

I am a little scared of a few things regarding my weight loss. Some of them are pretty trivial, others are crippling. Both are ever present in my mind. 

Fear 1: I will have a bobble head. Have you seen pics of fat people that lose a ton of weight and it looks like they have a bobble head? I don't want a bobble head. 

Fear 2: I will be so ugly under my clothes from the loose skin. I might look slammin' fully clothed and tucked into some spanx, but if I look like a freak without my clothes on then what is the point? One of the reasons I am doing this is for my husband, the only other person besides me who sees me naked. I don't want to look like a monster. I have been fat most of my life. My skin is stretched out and stretch marked. Will it shrink as much as I need it to? Will my skin betray me?

Fear 3: I will fail. I am doing really well right now. Is it easy? No. Am I battling lots of demons to make wiser choices? Yes. Can I sustain my current enthusiasm? I hope so! Have I been here before? Yes. Have I maintained substantial weight loss before? No. 

Fear 4: I will bankrupt us by being able to shop in the normal size section. ha. So silly, and yet it is something I think about. 

Fear 5: I will see myself as a fat person no matter how much weight I lose and I will never truly be happy with my body. I want to be able to look in a mirror and be proud of my accomplishments. I want to see me for me. What if I don't after all the work? Again, what is the point of all the work if there is no inner joy? 

measurements

This is so embarrassing. I can't even tell you how stressed I feel to put this up. It feels different from the weight number because people carry weight differently and it might be hard to visualize 223 pounds. But a measurement  is easier to see and to compare. As if you are really holding up a tape measure to see how thick my thighs really are and now that I have given you that idea...freaking great.  This blog is all about honesty, right? About putting it all out there to keep myself accountable and to really show the truth of this journey. Oy vey.

Measurements in inches-

Chest: 44

Upper arm: 17

Fore arm: 11.5

Hips: 50.5

Waist: 43.5

Upper thigh: 29

Above knee: 21

Calf: 17.5

This is a good starting point to really be able to see results besides just the scale. It is one more reason to work on myself. To see those numbers go down.

Valentine's gluttony

I woke up yesterday thinking to myself, "Self! The scale has revolted against you but it is a holiday! What are you going to do about that?!" I didn't know how to respond. So I ate chocolate. I ate 3 mini candy bars...a Reese's heart, a Snickers, and a caramel Twix. And they were pure deliciousness. Then I had a piece of chocolate cake later that night.

Let me break it down....

I had a cup of coffee with vanilla caramel creamer for breakfast.

I ate leftover Kua Kai from Cool Basil for lunch. It was amazing.  Spicy and uber yummy.

I ate the 3 mini candy bars while I took a bath.

I ate 3 boursin mushrooms, a healthy portion of chips and guac, 2 pieces of South Union ciabatta with butter, and a 2x3inch  piece of chocolate cake for our Valentine's day appetizer/dinner.

It was a rough day. Thankfully, today is a new day and I am back on my game!!

weigh in

Pssssshhh. I am a bit torked off at the scale this morning. I have been doing so well, but the scale has revolted. I did have half a cupcake and a sugar cookie and some white chocolate pecan popcorn on Friday night at small group. And I had sweet tea instead of water at dinner on Saturday night. And a piece of red velvet cake on Sunday when I was out on a V-day date with my love. So maybe I have let myself indulge a little too much now that I have typed it all out. BUT I am also exercising more! I am up to 25 minutes on the elliptical and ellipticaling (what do you call it? You aren't walking? You aren't gliding? What is it?) 3 miles. It is quite the workout. And on Saturday I did 150 squats and some weights for my arms for 20 minutes.  Shouldn't it all balance out?

I am trying not to be frustrated and have this be the cause of a major backslide. Which has been a prominent pattern in the past. I will soldier on and make good choices for a healthier me! I deserve it! My husband deserves it! My children deserve it!!

Maybe I should take my measurements as an additional way to mark my progress and not just to rely on the temperamental scale. I will do that later today. I know you can't wait!


Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 223.2
Mini-goal: 199

Oh, and one more thing...no more weighing myself in the middle of the week! I would have been excited about being 223.2 if it weren't for my 222.8 on Thursday. Lesson learned!!

being fat and underwear...tmi alert

This may be one of those topics that you don't want to read about. I know I probably wouldn't want to but as long as I am being totally transparent about my body and how I feel about it etc, I thought I would touch on a subject that most would shy away from. Underwear. Unders. Panties. Underoos. If I was Mormon, I would call them my sacred garments or (thanks to a recent google search) my temple garments. But since I am not Mormon, I like to call them underwear or unders.

Let me just put it all out there.

 When you get fat, you buy granny panties*. You want to feel support for the roll or front butt. A thong or even bikini unders do not give a chubby woman the coverage or support she needs for her extra baggage. Bikinis pretty much cut the roll into two giving you three rolls instead of two. And a thong, good gravy, gives you no support for the hiney!  Poor Chad has to put up with my 6 pack of Hanes low rise brief cotton underwear**. At least they are low rise and don't come up to my chin!  Being fat and wearing grannies makes me feel less feminine thus making me feel less sexy. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I should have been born a dude. Not in a transgender sense but more like "It isn't going to matter anyway, so why bother." The female beauty regime can get a little overwhelming for me, to say the least. But I also know that it is because I don't feel good about myself. That I don't feel feminine. That I am fat and nothing will look good anyway. I want to change that. I am changing that. I am working through those feelings and lies.

So, I am on a quest to find more feminine/girly/sexy underwear...or panties. Even the word "panty" sounds girly. I threw caution to the wind and bought a couple pair of lacier panties at Target this week. Even having them in my dresser drawer makes me feel more like a woman. Crazy.

This transformation to fitness and health has made me realize how many aspects of my life have been effected by my weight...all the way down to my core womanhood/femininity. I am excited for the changes to come and I am excited that you are joining me in this adventure.  Thank you.





*I am sure not all fat girls buy granny panties. Someone must buy the plus size thongs and bikinis or they wouldn't be manufactured, right? But I will say that just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.  


**For the record, Chad has never complained, commented, or otherwise about my underwear. He figures they don't stay on for long anyway when the mood strikes, so what difference does it make? HA! 

tootin my own horn

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I just have to!!!  I have been totally rockin' this fat to fit thing this week!!  I have been exercising on the elliptical every day. I have not been snacking and only eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am satisfied, not when I am unbutton the pants full. I realize that I have lived most of my life with a "need to eat until I can't put another bite in my mouth without wanting to puke" mentality. Woh! That is a lot of unnecessary calories.  I also decided that I am not going to eat something unless it is really delicious. That leaves out a lot of junk I used to mindlessly eat. YAY me! And I have this awesome 20 oz. Starbucks insulated tumbler with the cutest candy cane stripe straw that makes it fun to drink 64 oz. of water a day. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. That a cup can make drinking water fun, but it is true. I love that cup!!

I told a friend that it feels different this time. That I feel more committed, less deprived. That I am actually enjoying the process. Challenging myself everyday to make wise choices. And feeling so good when I lay my head on my pillow at night and know that I have succeeded.  And the scale is showing how my hard work is paying off. I cheated and weighed myself this morning. EEEK!!


Starting weight 1/31/11: 227.8
Current weight 2/10/11: 222.8    5 pounds, baby!!!!
Mini-goal: 199

weigh in

Yo. After one week of watching what I eat (ie. smaller portions, more water, etc.) and working out on the ellipitical I have lost 1.2 pounds. Pretty good, huh? Especially after considering that Chad and I went to Minneapolis this past weekend and ate out for every meal. It was all about portion control, baby.

Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 226.6
Mini-Goal: 199

weigh in:day 1...a couple days late

I weighed myself on Monday. I was bracing for the worst. I haven't been on a scale in several weeks. I think the last time was right after the new year . I tapped the scale with my toe to turn it on, waited for the screen to say 0.0, and then gingerly stepped up to face the music. I watched the numbers rise with great anticipation. The final number popped up on the display. Huh, that isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Very manageable to get to my first mini-goal of 199.

Weight 1/31/11: 227.8

the last of the 5 "W"s

Why: This is the hardest one to answer. There are SO many reasons and more and more keep popping up the more I think about it. Why am I wanting to lose weight?

*I want to be thinner. 

*I want to be healthier.

*I want to look cute in ALL my clothes.

*I want to shop in the normal section of clothes. Have you seen plus size clothes? Gag! 

*I want to see pictures of myself and not cringe. 

*I want my husband to be proud to have me on his arm. (Not that he isn't now, but I want other men to be jealous of him. HA!)

*I want my kids to have a healthy relationship with food.

*I want to live a more active life.

*I want to be full of energy.

*I want to not look like a hippo in a swimsuit.

*I want to not be the biggest girl in my circle of friends.

*I want to feel feminine. 

*I want to feel sexy.

*I want to live my best life.

the 2nd and 3rd and 4th of the 5 "W"s

What: I am not sure how to answer this. I guess that may be my first issue to deal with. *thinking* Simply put, the what is to lose weight. But I can't expound too much or it turns into a why, right?

When: Now. Well, tomorrow. That might be issue numero dos. I am the queen of procrastination. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? In all seriousness, I need to start tomorrow. I will try to get over my mini-OCDness about not starting on the first of the month.

Where: In my dungeon of a basement. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? That is where we put the ellipitcal that I bought from a friend in October. I told you I was a procrastinator. And in my kitchen where I will prepare delicious and healthy tree bark food. My mouth is watering already. And in restaurants where I will look for the * or other printed indicator that the menu option is healthier. They need to use an emoticon of either a sad face or of one sticking his tongue out in disgust. That would be a much more appropriate indicator of what you are about to eat.  This "where" has kindof turned into a "how" as well. Works for me.

the first of the 5 "W"s

Who: Me. Manda. 35 1/2 years old. A wife and mother of two. An almost middle aged woman who has battled her weight most of her life.


4th grade:  I remember being aware of my weight in fourth grade. I was in school and from my memory I was the biggest of my friends. If I look at pictures from that time I wasn't fat. But I was bigger than my friends. I was so aware of my weight that I faked an injury (a sprained ankle) to avoid participating in our school's track and field day. I didn't want to be embarrassed about coming in last in the 50 yard dash. Or to be the shortest long jump. 


Jr. high: I rode my bike a lot in those years. It kept my weight down. I was in semi okay shape. I didn't feel bad about my weight but I wasn't exactly the cutest girl in school. I was awkward with my thick glasses and braces. I have always been hair challenged and those years highlighted my lack of hair skill. It didn't help that I gave my hairdresser free reign over my hair and she tried some pretty crazy styles. Yes, I had a mullet. 


High school: The weight started packing on. I remember in 9th grade the first day of PE they weigh you in front of everyone. Who thought that was a good idea? I weighed 130 pounds. That was huge in comparison of all my 100 pound friends. Oh, to be that skinny again. I was a size 6. I wasn't involved in any sports. I was a drama girl...all the way, which means very little physical activity.  I had rehearsals most days after school. I would get a candy bar and a Mountain Dew for an after school snack almost every day. By the time I was a senior I weighed 180 pounds. 


Post high school: All my friends left for college. I stayed at home and went to the area community college. I was depressed. I ate. I watched the scale creep up. I swore I would kill myself if I ever got to 200 pounds but never did anything to stop the pounds adding up. 200. It was a monumental moment. I cried and probably ate a bunch of junk. Have you seen Austin Powers? Fat Bastard? When he says, " I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." That was (is) me. I love to eat. I hate to exercise. 


Mid 20s: I moved out of my parents house when I was 24. It was amazing. I was still about 200 pounds. I fluctuated between 200 and 205. I started exercising. Eating less (mostly out of necessity. I couldn't afford to eat out all the time.) I would have a latte for breakfast, a cup of soup for lunch, and then a very light dinner at home. I was doing Tae Bo every day. I was so happy. I lost 35 pounds. I went from a size 16 to a size 10. People noticed. It felt good. I was dating. . I was a svelte 165.  Then I met Chad. We fell in love. Got married. Had a baby. I gained 35 pounds while pregnant. I was up to 200 again. I lost 10 pounds of my pregnancy weight. Madeline was 6 pounds of that weight. Chad and I started our own weight loss plan. It never lasted. 2 years later I was pregnant with Eli. I weighed about 210 when I gave birth. I lost about 10 pounds. Eli was 8 pounds. Ha. 


30s: I ballooned to 240 in 2009. I was working weird hours at the county hospital. My system was all screwed up. I wasn't exercising. I was eating crap. My blood pressure was elevated. We planned a Disney trip the summer of 2009 and I vowed that I was going to get in better shape for Florida. I had a treadmill that I walked on every day. I was eating healthier. I lost 35 pounds and felt great. My blood pressure was normal. Florida came and went. I stopped exercising. The treadmill was a dust collector. I sold it. 


Now: I weigh 235ish. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while. I don't exercise. I eat junk. I love sugar. I love fried foods. I love greasy food.  I love caffeine. I love everything that is bad for me. 

A new beginning...again...for the 326th time

I decided to start a new blog to be a personal diary of my 472nd quest for health and fitness.  I guess I got tired of saying something on my main blog and then end up ditching my efforts and feeling guilty about dragging my followers through my junk. I guess if you read this (and don't forget to follow) than you know what you are getting into, the ups and downs of my 683rd journey to a better me. So grab a Twinkie or a Ding Dong, pull up a chair, and enjoy the ride with me.