helpful? and weigh in

I have the flu (self diagnosed). Not the respiratory flu. Or the vomit flu. The other end flu. I am hoping it will be helpful in shedding some pounds this week.

Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 222.6 (down from last week and this past week was as non-diety as you can get)
Mini-goal: 199

extra motivation

This week has sucked. I am afraid to get on the scale on Monday. I might skip it just to save myself the anguish.
Thankfully, I have some very exciting events coming up that is motivating me to get back in the game (i secretly can't stand sports metaphors but don't know how else to say it.)

We are going to Florida in the next several weeks. You can read all about it here, on my other blog.  I need to kick my ass in gear. Yes, my ass. I need to make it smaller. Much smaller. I have some pretty cute sundresses to wear and I want to feel good about myself. I can DO it!!!

weigh in

Starting weight:227.8
Current weight: 223.2
Mini-goal: 199

struggling

I am struggling. I am frustrated. I am obsessing about chocolate cake. (I won't tell you about last night and Chad taking the leftover Valentine chocolate cake from my death grip and telling me "No." I walked out of the kitchen sans cake and cried. It was not my brightest moment.)  I am craving sugar. I feel like I am going through withdrawal. I am feeling deprived, but I know I am not. It is all a mental game at this point, and I feel like I am weakening.

Plus I feel the tingle of a cold sore coming on and it is making me mad.

I think I am going to join Weight Watchers online again. I am hoping it saves me some brain power by taking all the guess work away from the food aspect of this torture. Anything to make this more manageable, right?

edited to add 4 hours after initial post: I joined weightwatchers.com and then I ate the cake.

fear

I am a little scared of a few things regarding my weight loss. Some of them are pretty trivial, others are crippling. Both are ever present in my mind. 

Fear 1: I will have a bobble head. Have you seen pics of fat people that lose a ton of weight and it looks like they have a bobble head? I don't want a bobble head. 

Fear 2: I will be so ugly under my clothes from the loose skin. I might look slammin' fully clothed and tucked into some spanx, but if I look like a freak without my clothes on then what is the point? One of the reasons I am doing this is for my husband, the only other person besides me who sees me naked. I don't want to look like a monster. I have been fat most of my life. My skin is stretched out and stretch marked. Will it shrink as much as I need it to? Will my skin betray me?

Fear 3: I will fail. I am doing really well right now. Is it easy? No. Am I battling lots of demons to make wiser choices? Yes. Can I sustain my current enthusiasm? I hope so! Have I been here before? Yes. Have I maintained substantial weight loss before? No. 

Fear 4: I will bankrupt us by being able to shop in the normal size section. ha. So silly, and yet it is something I think about. 

Fear 5: I will see myself as a fat person no matter how much weight I lose and I will never truly be happy with my body. I want to be able to look in a mirror and be proud of my accomplishments. I want to see me for me. What if I don't after all the work? Again, what is the point of all the work if there is no inner joy? 

measurements

This is so embarrassing. I can't even tell you how stressed I feel to put this up. It feels different from the weight number because people carry weight differently and it might be hard to visualize 223 pounds. But a measurement  is easier to see and to compare. As if you are really holding up a tape measure to see how thick my thighs really are and now that I have given you that idea...freaking great.  This blog is all about honesty, right? About putting it all out there to keep myself accountable and to really show the truth of this journey. Oy vey.

Measurements in inches-

Chest: 44

Upper arm: 17

Fore arm: 11.5

Hips: 50.5

Waist: 43.5

Upper thigh: 29

Above knee: 21

Calf: 17.5

This is a good starting point to really be able to see results besides just the scale. It is one more reason to work on myself. To see those numbers go down.

Valentine's gluttony

I woke up yesterday thinking to myself, "Self! The scale has revolted against you but it is a holiday! What are you going to do about that?!" I didn't know how to respond. So I ate chocolate. I ate 3 mini candy bars...a Reese's heart, a Snickers, and a caramel Twix. And they were pure deliciousness. Then I had a piece of chocolate cake later that night.

Let me break it down....

I had a cup of coffee with vanilla caramel creamer for breakfast.

I ate leftover Kua Kai from Cool Basil for lunch. It was amazing.  Spicy and uber yummy.

I ate the 3 mini candy bars while I took a bath.

I ate 3 boursin mushrooms, a healthy portion of chips and guac, 2 pieces of South Union ciabatta with butter, and a 2x3inch  piece of chocolate cake for our Valentine's day appetizer/dinner.

It was a rough day. Thankfully, today is a new day and I am back on my game!!

weigh in

Pssssshhh. I am a bit torked off at the scale this morning. I have been doing so well, but the scale has revolted. I did have half a cupcake and a sugar cookie and some white chocolate pecan popcorn on Friday night at small group. And I had sweet tea instead of water at dinner on Saturday night. And a piece of red velvet cake on Sunday when I was out on a V-day date with my love. So maybe I have let myself indulge a little too much now that I have typed it all out. BUT I am also exercising more! I am up to 25 minutes on the elliptical and ellipticaling (what do you call it? You aren't walking? You aren't gliding? What is it?) 3 miles. It is quite the workout. And on Saturday I did 150 squats and some weights for my arms for 20 minutes.  Shouldn't it all balance out?

I am trying not to be frustrated and have this be the cause of a major backslide. Which has been a prominent pattern in the past. I will soldier on and make good choices for a healthier me! I deserve it! My husband deserves it! My children deserve it!!

Maybe I should take my measurements as an additional way to mark my progress and not just to rely on the temperamental scale. I will do that later today. I know you can't wait!


Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 223.2
Mini-goal: 199

Oh, and one more thing...no more weighing myself in the middle of the week! I would have been excited about being 223.2 if it weren't for my 222.8 on Thursday. Lesson learned!!

being fat and underwear...tmi alert

This may be one of those topics that you don't want to read about. I know I probably wouldn't want to but as long as I am being totally transparent about my body and how I feel about it etc, I thought I would touch on a subject that most would shy away from. Underwear. Unders. Panties. Underoos. If I was Mormon, I would call them my sacred garments or (thanks to a recent google search) my temple garments. But since I am not Mormon, I like to call them underwear or unders.

Let me just put it all out there.

 When you get fat, you buy granny panties*. You want to feel support for the roll or front butt. A thong or even bikini unders do not give a chubby woman the coverage or support she needs for her extra baggage. Bikinis pretty much cut the roll into two giving you three rolls instead of two. And a thong, good gravy, gives you no support for the hiney!  Poor Chad has to put up with my 6 pack of Hanes low rise brief cotton underwear**. At least they are low rise and don't come up to my chin!  Being fat and wearing grannies makes me feel less feminine thus making me feel less sexy. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I should have been born a dude. Not in a transgender sense but more like "It isn't going to matter anyway, so why bother." The female beauty regime can get a little overwhelming for me, to say the least. But I also know that it is because I don't feel good about myself. That I don't feel feminine. That I am fat and nothing will look good anyway. I want to change that. I am changing that. I am working through those feelings and lies.

So, I am on a quest to find more feminine/girly/sexy underwear...or panties. Even the word "panty" sounds girly. I threw caution to the wind and bought a couple pair of lacier panties at Target this week. Even having them in my dresser drawer makes me feel more like a woman. Crazy.

This transformation to fitness and health has made me realize how many aspects of my life have been effected by my weight...all the way down to my core womanhood/femininity. I am excited for the changes to come and I am excited that you are joining me in this adventure.  Thank you.





*I am sure not all fat girls buy granny panties. Someone must buy the plus size thongs and bikinis or they wouldn't be manufactured, right? But I will say that just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.  


**For the record, Chad has never complained, commented, or otherwise about my underwear. He figures they don't stay on for long anyway when the mood strikes, so what difference does it make? HA! 

tootin my own horn

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I just have to!!!  I have been totally rockin' this fat to fit thing this week!!  I have been exercising on the elliptical every day. I have not been snacking and only eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am satisfied, not when I am unbutton the pants full. I realize that I have lived most of my life with a "need to eat until I can't put another bite in my mouth without wanting to puke" mentality. Woh! That is a lot of unnecessary calories.  I also decided that I am not going to eat something unless it is really delicious. That leaves out a lot of junk I used to mindlessly eat. YAY me! And I have this awesome 20 oz. Starbucks insulated tumbler with the cutest candy cane stripe straw that makes it fun to drink 64 oz. of water a day. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. That a cup can make drinking water fun, but it is true. I love that cup!!

I told a friend that it feels different this time. That I feel more committed, less deprived. That I am actually enjoying the process. Challenging myself everyday to make wise choices. And feeling so good when I lay my head on my pillow at night and know that I have succeeded.  And the scale is showing how my hard work is paying off. I cheated and weighed myself this morning. EEEK!!


Starting weight 1/31/11: 227.8
Current weight 2/10/11: 222.8    5 pounds, baby!!!!
Mini-goal: 199

weigh in

Yo. After one week of watching what I eat (ie. smaller portions, more water, etc.) and working out on the ellipitical I have lost 1.2 pounds. Pretty good, huh? Especially after considering that Chad and I went to Minneapolis this past weekend and ate out for every meal. It was all about portion control, baby.

Starting weight: 227.8
Current weight: 226.6
Mini-Goal: 199

weigh in:day 1...a couple days late

I weighed myself on Monday. I was bracing for the worst. I haven't been on a scale in several weeks. I think the last time was right after the new year . I tapped the scale with my toe to turn it on, waited for the screen to say 0.0, and then gingerly stepped up to face the music. I watched the numbers rise with great anticipation. The final number popped up on the display. Huh, that isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Very manageable to get to my first mini-goal of 199.

Weight 1/31/11: 227.8

the last of the 5 "W"s

Why: This is the hardest one to answer. There are SO many reasons and more and more keep popping up the more I think about it. Why am I wanting to lose weight?

*I want to be thinner. 

*I want to be healthier.

*I want to look cute in ALL my clothes.

*I want to shop in the normal section of clothes. Have you seen plus size clothes? Gag! 

*I want to see pictures of myself and not cringe. 

*I want my husband to be proud to have me on his arm. (Not that he isn't now, but I want other men to be jealous of him. HA!)

*I want my kids to have a healthy relationship with food.

*I want to live a more active life.

*I want to be full of energy.

*I want to not look like a hippo in a swimsuit.

*I want to not be the biggest girl in my circle of friends.

*I want to feel feminine. 

*I want to feel sexy.

*I want to live my best life.